Fighting your Fears and Anxieties

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

Fighting your Fears and Anxieties

I am writing this blog because of something that came up in psychology class. Please be patient with me in this blog because it starts out with something that does seem quite technical and possibly a bit boring but it does go on to tell you about how I cope with my fears and anxieties and how our conditions have made us stronger than the average person who doesn't suffer the way we do.

We were speaking about operant conditioning in psychology class and how it deepens peoples fears and anxieties. Operant Conditioning suggests that the consequences of our actions affect the likelihood of those actions being repeated. If it makes you feel good, or it gives a good outcome, you are likely to repeat the action when in a similar situation. If you feel bad after doing something, you are unlikely to repeat it.

Where this comes into fears and anxieties is that under the this approach, operant conditioning deepens our fears by gaining a positive feeling when the fear is avoided, therefore you avoid it even more. So, say you have a fear of lifts for example. You fear that if you get into the lift then that lift might break and you will be stuck for hours with no food or water, or it may fall and cause a pretty gory death. (Sorry to those of you who have these fears for reminding you in a rather graphic way.) Or it could be a fear of lifts based on claustrophobia or germaphobia.

So you choose to take the stairs, or escalators to the next or lower floor. This makes you feel happy, because you know that you aren't going to suffer any of those awful situations on the stairs or escalator. You feel safe, and calm and relieved that you haven't had to experience the unpleasant response of anxiety.

Under this psychological approach this encourages us to avoid fearful situations more and more each time that we  have avoided them and get a positive consequence. Whilst I agree that this happens, and that fears are reinforced by operant conditioning, it doesn't really apply to me. Either because I am backwards or just because I break the mould. I don't know.

When I avoid things that fear me, I feel ashamed and I feel weak. I feel like I have let myself down and I feel like a coward. I feel like I am letting my fear, my mental health and my anxiety win in a way. So whilst my response to these feelings is still a variation of operant conditioning, I don't get the normal response to avoidance of fears. I believe this may have something to do with my borderline personality disorder. The distorted self image, and putting myself down all of the time.

So I face my fears, I put myself into situations that I don't particularly want to be in. Even simple every day things like getting on the bus. I suffer the anxiety and I feel the pounding heart, sweaty shaking hands and nausea. Why? Because once I have, I feel so proud of myself, like I have beaten my demons. It makes me grow as a person, makes me stronger, wiser and much more able to cope with every day life. It gives me the ability to hold my head high because I didn't run away when things got tough. It makes me able to tell myself that I CAN instead of listening to the people that have told me that I can't.

As mental health sufferers, we fight every day, fight against ourselves, our conditions, our fears. We have this internal struggle, this internal battle, through every decision and every encounter. Although this makes our life much more difficult, it enables us to face things that other people wouldn't. There is a reason that people say to you “You're stronger than you realise” or “I don't know how you cope with that”. The terrible experiences that have made us this way are what have made us able to cope with much more than others.

Although you may feel like you can't cope, or that you are weak and useless, you're not. Your condition doesn't show how weak you are, it shows that you have had to be strong for too long. And that means that although you may fall, you may have days where you don't go out and you do avoid your fears, your experiences, your condition is what enables you to get back up when others would stay down. It's what makes you able to keep on surviving the fight and fighting to survive.

A Few Things

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

A Few Things

Hey guys, I know that I have already done a blog today but there are a few little things...
Just a quick shout out to children in need! Please donate your money! These services are invaluable and I have seen some of the services the charity funds myself. I have helped my baby boy raise £28 this week which I am quite happy with considering the nursery's takings last year were £112. Proud mommy. :)

Click here to donate! Children in need Donation Page

Also, I got a lot of work done today and I am starting to realize that I am capable of finishing this course, and finishing uni. Because yes, I have my drawbacks, depression, a bit lazy sometimes, and also a huge procrastinator who wont get anything done until she has to when it comes to school work. But I also have positives that other people don't, my class mates have been telling me that I am a hard worker, I'm intelligent, I am a good writer ect. So I guess I balance the playing field a little bit.

Been to the doctors and it was pretty useless but I am going to have some blood tests and she gave me some numbers to organisations that I can call to get some extra talking time whilst I am waiting for my Dialectic Behaviour Therapy (DBT). I will be going back in two weeks so hopefully she will have made some headway.

And the last thing, my page views are slowly but steadily increasing. I know some of those views are by some people who wish to harass be but hey, you're helping my numbers so go right ahead. :D Google just automatically puts your comments in the spam box anyway, good old google. But today so far I have had 72 page views. That amazes me! 72 people reading my blog in a day! Maybe this really will get somewhere and I will one day fulfill one of my life goals, to make certain subjects less taboo, because it is life after all, we don't need to shy away from it. Plus, surprisingly, when you are open, you will be shocked at how many people are then able to feel open too. I have seen it myself.

So please, please, I urge you, if you are reading this, try to be a little more open about your problems, about your past. You get respect, you get the favour returned, and you get given so many opportunities to help people, because you need to know to help and I have found that it leads to a much more fulfilling life! Remember,  Survive the Fight and Fight to Survive!

Teary Eyed

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

Teary Eyed

Well, slowly but surely everything on my to-do-list is getting done. Had to go to hospital with my little man last night but he is okay, it wasn't an emergency but I was tired of the doctors palming us off. He had had this cough for a couple of weeks, it got better but never fully went. The stupid walk in center said it was just a cold. Not sure I am going to trust them again. -.- Oh well, we are home now, he has been treated and we have medicine that will actually make a difference.

I have the doctors and the CPN today, the CPN to talk about my tablets and the doctors for a mental health review. I don't know what I am going to talk about with the doctor but I have a few things to talk to the CPN about. My new medication for anxiety, yes they are helping but they are also having undesired side effects. One is a bit personal and I won't go into that but I am getting so weepy. Not because anything in particular is making me teary, just getting spontaneously teary. I get that familiar lump in the back of my throat and I can't talk with out my eyes watering up and it is very embarrassing.

I tell you, I wasn't even this teary eyed in pregnancy! Apart from once, when I made s'mores and just as I went to put it in the oven the base of the cake tin fell through and onto the floor. Leaving a mound of my hard work splattered across the kitchen laminate.... I laughed, and then I started crying because I had always wanted to make them and also I was pregnant and wanted those darn sugar filled treats! I still look back and laugh at myself over that one, although I have not yet since made another attempt at s'mores.

But that incident, I can see why I got upset, why I wanted to cry, but I am getting that feeling at random points in the day. Can't find my keys? Feel like crying. Somebody says something nice to me? Feel like bloody crying. Forgot my college pass? Feel like f*ing crying!!! It's not even because I am upset or touched, I just want to cry all the time. I'm actually quite happy. So I'm sure it is this new medication because I sure as hell ain't pregnant. :D

So I don't think I will be on them any more after today, with the other side affects on top. Mirtazapine it is called. Just finished the normal trial of 2 weeks. So far, they are definitely not for me, I feel like a walking puddle of hormones! It's embarrassing but I can also see the humor in it thankfully.

Speak to you all soon guys, remember  Survive the Fight and Fight to Survive!

Over the Top

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

Over the Top

Even more abuse from the ex's family. Yey! :) Screw it, I'm in a good mood anyway, despite more bad news about my internet... The date has been postponed! AGAIN! I am extreemly disappointed in Virgin, they came out yesterday to check the access points and said I would definitely have the internet on today! Well looks like I am screwed for my Social Work Presentation.... -.-

Anyway, I just got in from a good day at college, have had some really good giggles. I forgot my pass though! Costs £5 for a new one to get in! But I snuck in with my scarf and fluffy jumper so it was all good! Then Asif, the loveliest kindest person I think I have ever known lent me his pass when I went out to get lunch :) Would have been funny if they actually looked at the pass... they would have been like "um..... you don't look like an Asif Hussain to me...". Hey, I could have changed my name! :) I was chuckling in my head every time I went through the doors thinking about that.

So now I am in an unusually good mood! That's what usually happens after a low period. I go low, I go numb, then I go hyper and over the top. That's where I'm at now. I feel like singing at the top of my lungs, dancing around the house, cleaning like a nutter, getting some college work done and basically doing as much as I can in the shortest amount of time possible.

It's quite fun when I'm like this, I feel like it's some sort of cosmic justice, like the universe or god's or whatever you believe in's way of saying I'm sorry that you were depressed and tired and didn't get much of anything done, I'm going to give you what seems like a never ending supply of energy to make up for it. So you can catch up with the last weeks worth of f*ck all in two hours!

So yeah, not much to say other than a load of over excited gibberish, I might end up getting some of that presentation done on my own if I don't get preoccupied with wiping my skirting boards with anti-septic :)

So right now I really do have the energy to Survive the Fight and Fight to Survive! Hopefully it lasts for a while! :)

Getting Stronger

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

Getting Stronger

Hey guys, still got a boat load of stuff going on in my life and I am slowly working through that to do list. :) Just to say before I carry on, my ex is trying to ruin every aspect of my life which includes this blog and sharing it with snarky comments. I wont let him ruin it, because I enjoy doing this, it helps me to collect all of my thoughts and know that there are people out there who feel the same way.

Had a really good one to one with my tutor in College yesterday. There has been some drama going down at college to do with a group assignment and as much as I have tried to stay out of it, because I was involved in the start my name obviously came up... -.- The tutors understood my side and we are all adults so apologies have been given, much to my gratification and civilities will be held from here on out. 

But after all of that upheaval was sorted, we had a good chat about the dramas going on outside of the college walls. She gave some really good advice and really wants to help me. She has encouraged me so much through all of this (my first solicitors meeting was on the first day of college) and has really pushed me to be all that I can be.

The social services came around today because Cafcass are involved ready for what is hopefully going to be the last court hearing. It was unannounced which is always uncomfortable, especially considering me and my son had only just woken from a nap! She didn't seem to have any concerns and said she would just wrap the last visit and this visit into one assessment because the last one was only a few weeks ago so it was pretty painless really.

She spoke to me about the women's refuge because my health visitor told them about it and they are going to help me however they can. She has advised me on how to get my ex out of my life and she also asked whether it may be best to just fight for no contact between my son and his father. I did disagree with her there, because although he is absolutely vile to me, I believe in keeping both parents in a child's life. I wont make my son grow up with out a father simply because of the issues between us.

She confirmed many things about what my ex has been threatening which was good. She sat and she listened patiently and this is why I am glad that I am not one of these people that see a social worker as a person to be feared. I have worked with them a lot in my life and they have helped me through some hard times. Plus I am doing a social work access course. I know what they do and I know the laws and regulations of their job.

So no matter how much my ex thinks he is affecting my life, he really isn't. I'm carrying on and I feel myself getting stronger every day. I may trip and I may fall but somebody on my college course said something to me yesterday which I know I will always remember; "If somebody is trying to bring you down, it is because you are higher than them". I know I am strong enough to get through this mess, I have been through much bigger messes and absolute disasters in my life. This is just another one under my belt.

I have started to regain some of that confidence that was starting to slip between my fingers again. I'm remembering who I am, what I have been through and how far I know that I can go. I really couldn't have done it if it wasn't for some people, of which I will name a few even if they aren't reading, Asif, Adam, Jess, Josh, Marisha, Steph, Jaquie, Gemma, Solomon, Harvey, Toni. Thank you so much guys, your reassurance, your compliments, you have all been like one big collective rock for me. Said things that are so sweet I will always remember them.

So thanks to you guys, you have helped me to Survive the Fight and Fight to Survive!

Emotional Whiplash

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

Emotional Whiplash

Hey guys, things are still pretty rough here. I am figuratively suffering from recurrent emotional whiplash... It's getting pretty out of hand now, it's barely even 5 hours of a single emotion before I'm being thrown back the other way!!!

I got those two assignments done though! 4000 words in total. O.o I felt so happy that day! Out of my hands and into the tutors mail box. A sense of relief at it being done, a sense of pride for finishing them despite my low mood and hectic life, and a sense of accomplishment. I felt hopeful, that maybe, just maybe I can do this, despite the years of being told I would amount to nothing. That was a good day. A really good day.

Oh, and something else that bests that, it was my boyfriends 21st on the 5th, (a bonfire night baby boy) I was really really low that day, I ended up not going to college and moping in my bed and giving my baby boy lots of cuddles and not caring if it means I'm spoiling him, it made me feel better. And before my boyfriend came over I text him asking him to get me a snickers bar on the way over. Just a snickers. They are one of my fave chocolate bars.

He comes walking through the door and I jump out of bed (knocking my ashtray over) and run to the door because I just really wanted a hug. I had forgotten about the chocolate I just wanted a cuddle to make it all go away and feel safe just for a moment. And he is all "no, wait no no" and I didn't even notice but there he was, holding a bunch of flowers and equipped to the nines with treats!

There were three kinds of big Aero chocolate bars, the white, the plain and the mint. A big Galaxy Cookie Crumble, a BIG box of Ferrero Rochers (I've never had my own and the last time I even had one I was 13!), a pack of 20 of my preferred cigarettes even though he hates smoking, and only puts up with the fact that I do. Two kinder Bueno's, the white and the normal, a pack of pork scratching's, chocolate limes, and god, I can't even remember the rest. He ordered us a Chinese too. So I sat there with my munch, and my take-away, taking in the view of my gorgeous flowers and my gorgeous man.

Apparently, I have suffered enough in my life and it was time that I was taken care of. Even though it was his birthday, he just wanted to make me smile, even if it was only for five minutes, it's enough for him. He really made me feel like a princess. I really felt like number 1, the only one. Like I was finally being put first instead of running around doing what I can where I can for everybody else.

Sadly, even those things haven't kept my mood elevated for long. I'm running out of resources now for picking myself up. I even did one of my other sort of hobbies of a themed make over...

I have a new found love for 40's/50's fashion. I have always loved it but never ventured into applying it to myself. Little did I know how much it suited me. But even that didn't last because I did it in the night when I wasn't going out anywhere and I know it's sad but, part of borderline personality disorder means that you thrive off the approval of others, and there was nobody there to get approval off... :( So that ended up being a complete and utter waste of time other than a few nice photographs with my flowers.... 

I found out this week that my mom has a brain tumor. That's knocked me back quite a bit, I have been telling her for a while to push for a scan. I'm sure she will be okay but my caring nature wants to be there with her and help her get through all of this. I almost ended up in a Women's Refuge to get away from my sons father but couldn't get in so I am waiting to find out if the children services can help me.

So I'm still fighting, and I'm sure I'll figure out some more coping mechanisms and ways to try to pick myself back up. I won't let myself fall into that black abyss no mater how much it whispers my name. I have sent my UCAS application off and I have to just keep reminding myself exactly what I am fighting for.

Sorry for the long post but I had a few things to write down. Thanks for reading and join me in Surviving the Fight and Fighting to Survive!

The Anxiety

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

The Anxiety

Sorry I have not posted in a few days guys, I have a huge workload to do at the moment... college essays and all. My psychology one is done and out of the way and I have a social policy one due in tomorrow.... O.o 

It's hard trying to keep the balance between work like, home life, and personal time. Sometimes I write so much and work so hard that my brain just fries and you can practically see the smoke coming out of my ears like in those old cartoons.

So I have been trying to break it up with some leisure too, I bought a month subscription to Sketchbook Pro 7, it's really user friendly and I love it. 

Still got some tweeking to do but that is another one of my hobbies. :) Self taught and not the best but I enjoy it.

I'm meant to be in college today but I am not going to go because my anxiety is pretty bad and I know that even if I do force myself to go, information is going to stick into my brain because I will be so nervous.

So I am going to stay home and work on this assignment. I know what you're thinking, she's skiving to get this essay done that she has left until the last minute. I wish that was the case really, I wish I didn't have to feel so sick at the thought of leaving this place....

I had better hope today is a better day and carry on Surviving the Fight and Fighting to Survive!

The Hollow Times

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

The Hollow Times

Sometimes I get the feeling like I'm just  worn a little too thin. I haven't even started two of my college assignments and they are due next week! I should be spending today doing them really but I haven't seen my family in weeks and I am going to take me and my son to see them. With what is likely to be happening tomorrow, I doubt I would be able to concentrate anyway so it will be a good way to let my hair down and try to forget about it for a little while.

I had a fun night last night, I got some henna done at the children's Halloween party and went trick or treating for the first time with my son. 

I wore the one of my new dresses and my corset. It felt good to get up and get ready after slobbing it this week in my PJ's. Feeling more like a doped up sloth that the Duracell bunny I wish I could be right now. 

You know sometimes, when you are feeling crappy and you pray every night that tomorrow might just be manic enough to get everything done? Bouncing around the house doing five things at once because you feel like a bad ass? Seems like my prayers aren't being heard at the moment.

Yesterday did help, really it did, but then when I got home and stopped, just long enough for the dark thoughts to start creeping to the front of my mind again, I just became this hollow entity, truly worthy of a Halloween Horror. Seriously, I could have stood there like that in the street, all hollow eyed and day dreamy, and scared the bejeebies out of some people.

I hope that I can get out of this rut soon. It gets tiring fighting every single day just to be able to do the little things. People don't see the war raging inside my head every waking second. The only solace I get is sleep and sometimes even that is snatched away from me by the lurking insomnia.

So I'm in it with you guys, all of you out there that are suffering, finding it almost impossible to move every day and trust me, if it wasn't for my commitments I would probably stay in this bed for a week, slowly disappearing under empty junk food wrappers, watching crappy day time telly until my I am nothing more than a waking zombie.

But I fight, and I strain to keep going, trying to remember that one of these days, I WILL turn into the Duracell bunny, so come on guys, Survive the Fight and Fight to Survive!

Halloween Horrors

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

Halloween Horrors

Happy Halloween everybody! So... I'm not feeling great today. I'm going through a very messy break up with my baby sons dad. (Hence the theme of my cover video). I won't go into all the details but it is likely that the police will be at my door, along with him, this Sunday. Due to a very volatile upbringing I have the deep seeded, petrifying fear of confrontation and every time I even think about Sunday, my breathing becomes shallow, my hands shake and I get light headed.

If that's how I feel thinking about it, I might end up just puking all over him AND the cops on Sunday. How mortifying is that?! I've called my solicitors, I've called the police, and still I'm not sure what to expect!

But... my boyfriend realised that I'm not doing great today (probably from the subtle hint of tears in the morning) and decided that I needed cheering up, so he has bought me TWO gorgeous dresses, and if that wasn't enough already, I get some comfort food to chow down on too! 

So now, as I am writing this blog, I am munching on a Fox's Chocolate Viennese biscuit whilst wearing my new pretty dress. 

So when something in your life is getting you down, try and find some healthy people to be around, people that make you smile, that want to make your life that little bit easier in any way that they can. And if you don't have that,(if you are anything like me and can count your friends on one hand with room to spare) then treat yourself... give yourself something that helps you keeps going.

So once I am all filled up on biscuits, then I am going to have a with Radox Stress relief bubble bath, do my hair, put one of my gorgeous dresses on and go trick or treating for the first time with my son. I didn't get to go as a child because our Dad wouldn't allow it so I think I am more excited than he is.

And lets face it, all us parent out there end up sharing the sweeties anyway! :D

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! And remember, Survive the Fight and Fight to Survive!

One of my many hobbies

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

One of my many hobbies

Hey guys, so I have taken a very brave step today; I have uploaded me singing a cover of Adele make you feel my love to YouTube and then posted it on Facebook so that all of my friends and family can see it. This was very difficult for me because not only am I going to be judged by the general public but people I know. What if somebody I know doesn't like it and makes it painfully clear? That would be much worse than some stranger that I could pass off as another internet troll.

I'm by far not a confident person, but I am trying to push myself more and more. As a BPD sufferer with a very unstable self-image, it's not easy to do something like this. Only, a part of me is just hoping for approval and praise. I'm just scared at how I will handle criticism. Also, I know that if I don't get views, or comments, then I will take it that everybody hates it.

That is my video, if you for some reason like it, then please, for the sake of my sanity, let me know. And if you want to share it, no matter how much the idea of 100's of people hearing me sing petrifies me, go ahead and share it. 

So that is one of my hobbies, and I guess an insight to some of my insecurities. If you have any song requests or anything then feel free to let me know and I will look into covering it for you. Thanks for reading! And remember, Survive the Fight and Fight to Survive! :)

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

What is this blog going to be about?

You know those people who tell you about their lives and you think "Wow, either they are a compulsive liar, or they have had one hell of a s**t life."? Well, I'm one of those very people.

Sometimes I think that I was born as some cruel experiment. Other times I wonder if I am meant to be alive for some unknown reason that I am yet to fulfil. Even when I was born, at ten weeks early, I was lucky to survive. The doctors said either my Mom or I were going to be lost and my Dad had to make the decision on who to doctors were going to keep alive. We never found out who he chose, I guess he would be a bad guy either way. Either letting his daughter or the Mother of four children die.

That's me as a baby, and that was after I was aloud home. Slowly, I will tell you all of the ups and downs of my life, or what I can remember of it anyway.

And this is me now, as flawed as the next person, but fighting every day. Most of those fights are on the inside. Inside that little head of mine, the head which I'm sure you will all start to see into.

I don't expect to get 1,000,000 readers, I don't even expect to get 20, but if even one person reads my blogs and starts to feel less lonely in this world, then I will be a happy blogger. For I just want people to better understand those troubled souls out there and I want other people like me; people who have suffered endlessly at other peoples hands to realise that they are survivors. 

I have been recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and for the many of you that don't know what this means, then please visit mind(www.mind.org) and just read a little bit. It's easy to understand. It's an erratic alteration of moods essentially but when you look into it, there are many in built characteristics and reactions to social situations that come with it.

Another few things to know about me are that I am a hobbyist, an artist, a singer, a reader, an ex- self harmer,(appart from a few falls). I suffer with body image, confidence, anxiety, depression, mania, insomnia, and much much more. On the outside I seem outgoing and extroverted,so many people don't realise the suffering that goes on inside that little head of mine. 

So that is the reason for this blog, to help people, to bring recognition, as a stress relief, as one of my many hobbies, to make people realise that what is on the outside, isn't necessarily on the inside. I love to write but I'm not sure what to expect out of this, what sort of response to prepare myself for. I just want people like me to read this, those others that Survive the Fight, and Fight to Survive.