Curse of the Detainee

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

Curse of the Detainee

Hi again, I wrote a poem today that I thought you guys might like to read. I think that many of you might associate with it:

Curse of the Detainee

When everything is going right in your life

 But there's a pain that you just can't hide

A hurt that is waiting just behind

Those closed off deep blue eyes

When your dreams are  finally coming true

And there are people who are there for you

But still you can't help but feel alone

Like there is still nowhere to call home

You tell yourself you should be proud

You have succeeded in the things you've vowed

You've overcome the unspeakable

And you've reached what you have been told unreachable

You have held on to your dreams

You have allowed yourself to believe

You picked yourself up when all was lost

Carried on no matter the cost

You've lost the most precious thing you have

And fought to get it back

When most would give up all hope

But still you found a way to cope

But sometimes when it's quiet and black

You start to see the things you lack

The things that you will never be 

The things that you can't guarantee

The voices that won't give you peace

The hurt that just wont cease

And sometimes you feel like giving in

and letting your horrors win

You don't want to stand up tall

Just to be destined to fall

You know that things will just go wrong

Just like they have all along

You wonder if you will ever be free

From the curse of the detainee

Locked inside with the sentence unnamed

Nothing but lonely and ashamed

But still you fight for something more

To change the lives of those you adore

Because there must be a reason for you to exist

Something that you must have missed

So go on fighting to survive

Because again you will revive

You will not forever be

Controlled by the curse of the detainee

Jozilea Faulkner

Getting Stronger

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

Getting Stronger

Hey guys, still got a boat load of stuff going on in my life and I am slowly working through that to do list. :) Just to say before I carry on, my ex is trying to ruin every aspect of my life which includes this blog and sharing it with snarky comments. I wont let him ruin it, because I enjoy doing this, it helps me to collect all of my thoughts and know that there are people out there who feel the same way.

Had a really good one to one with my tutor in College yesterday. There has been some drama going down at college to do with a group assignment and as much as I have tried to stay out of it, because I was involved in the start my name obviously came up... -.- The tutors understood my side and we are all adults so apologies have been given, much to my gratification and civilities will be held from here on out. 

But after all of that upheaval was sorted, we had a good chat about the dramas going on outside of the college walls. She gave some really good advice and really wants to help me. She has encouraged me so much through all of this (my first solicitors meeting was on the first day of college) and has really pushed me to be all that I can be.

The social services came around today because Cafcass are involved ready for what is hopefully going to be the last court hearing. It was unannounced which is always uncomfortable, especially considering me and my son had only just woken from a nap! She didn't seem to have any concerns and said she would just wrap the last visit and this visit into one assessment because the last one was only a few weeks ago so it was pretty painless really.

She spoke to me about the women's refuge because my health visitor told them about it and they are going to help me however they can. She has advised me on how to get my ex out of my life and she also asked whether it may be best to just fight for no contact between my son and his father. I did disagree with her there, because although he is absolutely vile to me, I believe in keeping both parents in a child's life. I wont make my son grow up with out a father simply because of the issues between us.

She confirmed many things about what my ex has been threatening which was good. She sat and she listened patiently and this is why I am glad that I am not one of these people that see a social worker as a person to be feared. I have worked with them a lot in my life and they have helped me through some hard times. Plus I am doing a social work access course. I know what they do and I know the laws and regulations of their job.

So no matter how much my ex thinks he is affecting my life, he really isn't. I'm carrying on and I feel myself getting stronger every day. I may trip and I may fall but somebody on my college course said something to me yesterday which I know I will always remember; "If somebody is trying to bring you down, it is because you are higher than them". I know I am strong enough to get through this mess, I have been through much bigger messes and absolute disasters in my life. This is just another one under my belt.

I have started to regain some of that confidence that was starting to slip between my fingers again. I'm remembering who I am, what I have been through and how far I know that I can go. I really couldn't have done it if it wasn't for some people, of which I will name a few even if they aren't reading, Asif, Adam, Jess, Josh, Marisha, Steph, Jaquie, Gemma, Solomon, Harvey, Toni. Thank you so much guys, your reassurance, your compliments, you have all been like one big collective rock for me. Said things that are so sweet I will always remember them.

So thanks to you guys, you have helped me to Survive the Fight and Fight to Survive!