The Hollow Times

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

The Hollow Times

Sometimes I get the feeling like I'm just  worn a little too thin. I haven't even started two of my college assignments and they are due next week! I should be spending today doing them really but I haven't seen my family in weeks and I am going to take me and my son to see them. With what is likely to be happening tomorrow, I doubt I would be able to concentrate anyway so it will be a good way to let my hair down and try to forget about it for a little while.

I had a fun night last night, I got some henna done at the children's Halloween party and went trick or treating for the first time with my son. 

I wore the one of my new dresses and my corset. It felt good to get up and get ready after slobbing it this week in my PJ's. Feeling more like a doped up sloth that the Duracell bunny I wish I could be right now. 

You know sometimes, when you are feeling crappy and you pray every night that tomorrow might just be manic enough to get everything done? Bouncing around the house doing five things at once because you feel like a bad ass? Seems like my prayers aren't being heard at the moment.

Yesterday did help, really it did, but then when I got home and stopped, just long enough for the dark thoughts to start creeping to the front of my mind again, I just became this hollow entity, truly worthy of a Halloween Horror. Seriously, I could have stood there like that in the street, all hollow eyed and day dreamy, and scared the bejeebies out of some people.

I hope that I can get out of this rut soon. It gets tiring fighting every single day just to be able to do the little things. People don't see the war raging inside my head every waking second. The only solace I get is sleep and sometimes even that is snatched away from me by the lurking insomnia.

So I'm in it with you guys, all of you out there that are suffering, finding it almost impossible to move every day and trust me, if it wasn't for my commitments I would probably stay in this bed for a week, slowly disappearing under empty junk food wrappers, watching crappy day time telly until my I am nothing more than a waking zombie.

But I fight, and I strain to keep going, trying to remember that one of these days, I WILL turn into the Duracell bunny, so come on guys, Survive the Fight and Fight to Survive!

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

What is this blog going to be about?

You know those people who tell you about their lives and you think "Wow, either they are a compulsive liar, or they have had one hell of a s**t life."? Well, I'm one of those very people.

Sometimes I think that I was born as some cruel experiment. Other times I wonder if I am meant to be alive for some unknown reason that I am yet to fulfil. Even when I was born, at ten weeks early, I was lucky to survive. The doctors said either my Mom or I were going to be lost and my Dad had to make the decision on who to doctors were going to keep alive. We never found out who he chose, I guess he would be a bad guy either way. Either letting his daughter or the Mother of four children die.

That's me as a baby, and that was after I was aloud home. Slowly, I will tell you all of the ups and downs of my life, or what I can remember of it anyway.

And this is me now, as flawed as the next person, but fighting every day. Most of those fights are on the inside. Inside that little head of mine, the head which I'm sure you will all start to see into.

I don't expect to get 1,000,000 readers, I don't even expect to get 20, but if even one person reads my blogs and starts to feel less lonely in this world, then I will be a happy blogger. For I just want people to better understand those troubled souls out there and I want other people like me; people who have suffered endlessly at other peoples hands to realise that they are survivors. 

I have been recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and for the many of you that don't know what this means, then please visit mind(www.mind.org) and just read a little bit. It's easy to understand. It's an erratic alteration of moods essentially but when you look into it, there are many in built characteristics and reactions to social situations that come with it.

Another few things to know about me are that I am a hobbyist, an artist, a singer, a reader, an ex- self harmer,(appart from a few falls). I suffer with body image, confidence, anxiety, depression, mania, insomnia, and much much more. On the outside I seem outgoing and extroverted,so many people don't realise the suffering that goes on inside that little head of mine. 

So that is the reason for this blog, to help people, to bring recognition, as a stress relief, as one of my many hobbies, to make people realise that what is on the outside, isn't necessarily on the inside. I love to write but I'm not sure what to expect out of this, what sort of response to prepare myself for. I just want people like me to read this, those others that Survive the Fight, and Fight to Survive.