Curse of the Detainee

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

Curse of the Detainee

Hi again, I wrote a poem today that I thought you guys might like to read. I think that many of you might associate with it:

Curse of the Detainee

When everything is going right in your life

 But there's a pain that you just can't hide

A hurt that is waiting just behind

Those closed off deep blue eyes

When your dreams are  finally coming true

And there are people who are there for you

But still you can't help but feel alone

Like there is still nowhere to call home

You tell yourself you should be proud

You have succeeded in the things you've vowed

You've overcome the unspeakable

And you've reached what you have been told unreachable

You have held on to your dreams

You have allowed yourself to believe

You picked yourself up when all was lost

Carried on no matter the cost

You've lost the most precious thing you have

And fought to get it back

When most would give up all hope

But still you found a way to cope

But sometimes when it's quiet and black

You start to see the things you lack

The things that you will never be 

The things that you can't guarantee

The voices that won't give you peace

The hurt that just wont cease

And sometimes you feel like giving in

and letting your horrors win

You don't want to stand up tall

Just to be destined to fall

You know that things will just go wrong

Just like they have all along

You wonder if you will ever be free

From the curse of the detainee

Locked inside with the sentence unnamed

Nothing but lonely and ashamed

But still you fight for something more

To change the lives of those you adore

Because there must be a reason for you to exist

Something that you must have missed

So go on fighting to survive

Because again you will revive

You will not forever be

Controlled by the curse of the detainee

Jozilea Faulkner

Be the Change that you want to see

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

Be the change that you want to see

Hi guys, I know it has been a while since I wrote on here but I had to get away and clear my head, plus avoid some people until the dust had settled. Since separating from my long term partner, I have been trying to re-discover myself, try to seriously make something out of my hobbies/talents. 


One part of that was modeling. I started messaging photographers, and replying to casting calls. I hadn't met any photographers that I particularly trusted when I came across Rule the Runway UK . I applied, but didn't expect it to go far because I am only 5 foot 4 inches tall and have no experience. I did it anyway, because it's my dream and also because it is a charity event in aid of raising mental health awareness and raising money for Birmingham Mind.

My photo from the audition. 

But I got a casting call! So I went, nervous and anxious as hell, but I had the support of my best friend who also applied after I told her about it. So I walked the walk, answered their questions and came away feeling pretty positive and very excited.

The voting photo.

Then I got through! After fidgeting the entire of the following day, picking up my phone, trying to distract myself hopelessly, they called to tell me the good news. Out of hundreds that applied, I was one of the 20 girls that they wanted in the show! ME! Just little old me. I did it! I couldn't believe it.

We had our photo shoot for the voting stage of the competition on sunday. Having hair, and make-up done, it was manic and hectic and at times not going to plan and there was a lot of waiting to be behind the camera for all of about 3 minutes but I absolutely loved every moment! Whilst people were getting agitated and frustrated, I reveled in it. It all felt so surreal. Like I was dreaming, I swear I actually pinched myself a couple of times.

The photo's went up online for voting to start yesterday and my eyes popped out of my head and my mouth hung open when I realised that they used MY face for the cover! ME! I can't believe it I really can't. And they have used my photo for their website.

It just goes to show, that even if you don't think you are beautiful, somebody else will. Whether it's your mom, your boyfriend, your kids, or a complete stranger. You are beautiful to somebody, so just be yourself, because if you try to change to make others happy, then you will always be changing. You will never make everybody happy.

I'm trying to be the change I want to be. Allow myself to do the things I have always been told I couldn't do or didn't believe I could achieve. I want to be able to get to a place where I am happy with who I am. So I'm surviving the fight and fighting to survive. Just like the rest of you. x

Click HERE if you wish to vote for me. You can vote once per day, per IP address. :)

Emotional Whiplash

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

Emotional Whiplash

Hey guys, things are still pretty rough here. I am figuratively suffering from recurrent emotional whiplash... It's getting pretty out of hand now, it's barely even 5 hours of a single emotion before I'm being thrown back the other way!!!

I got those two assignments done though! 4000 words in total. O.o I felt so happy that day! Out of my hands and into the tutors mail box. A sense of relief at it being done, a sense of pride for finishing them despite my low mood and hectic life, and a sense of accomplishment. I felt hopeful, that maybe, just maybe I can do this, despite the years of being told I would amount to nothing. That was a good day. A really good day.

Oh, and something else that bests that, it was my boyfriends 21st on the 5th, (a bonfire night baby boy) I was really really low that day, I ended up not going to college and moping in my bed and giving my baby boy lots of cuddles and not caring if it means I'm spoiling him, it made me feel better. And before my boyfriend came over I text him asking him to get me a snickers bar on the way over. Just a snickers. They are one of my fave chocolate bars.

He comes walking through the door and I jump out of bed (knocking my ashtray over) and run to the door because I just really wanted a hug. I had forgotten about the chocolate I just wanted a cuddle to make it all go away and feel safe just for a moment. And he is all "no, wait no no" and I didn't even notice but there he was, holding a bunch of flowers and equipped to the nines with treats!

There were three kinds of big Aero chocolate bars, the white, the plain and the mint. A big Galaxy Cookie Crumble, a BIG box of Ferrero Rochers (I've never had my own and the last time I even had one I was 13!), a pack of 20 of my preferred cigarettes even though he hates smoking, and only puts up with the fact that I do. Two kinder Bueno's, the white and the normal, a pack of pork scratching's, chocolate limes, and god, I can't even remember the rest. He ordered us a Chinese too. So I sat there with my munch, and my take-away, taking in the view of my gorgeous flowers and my gorgeous man.

Apparently, I have suffered enough in my life and it was time that I was taken care of. Even though it was his birthday, he just wanted to make me smile, even if it was only for five minutes, it's enough for him. He really made me feel like a princess. I really felt like number 1, the only one. Like I was finally being put first instead of running around doing what I can where I can for everybody else.

Sadly, even those things haven't kept my mood elevated for long. I'm running out of resources now for picking myself up. I even did one of my other sort of hobbies of a themed make over...

I have a new found love for 40's/50's fashion. I have always loved it but never ventured into applying it to myself. Little did I know how much it suited me. But even that didn't last because I did it in the night when I wasn't going out anywhere and I know it's sad but, part of borderline personality disorder means that you thrive off the approval of others, and there was nobody there to get approval off... :( So that ended up being a complete and utter waste of time other than a few nice photographs with my flowers.... 

I found out this week that my mom has a brain tumor. That's knocked me back quite a bit, I have been telling her for a while to push for a scan. I'm sure she will be okay but my caring nature wants to be there with her and help her get through all of this. I almost ended up in a Women's Refuge to get away from my sons father but couldn't get in so I am waiting to find out if the children services can help me.

So I'm still fighting, and I'm sure I'll figure out some more coping mechanisms and ways to try to pick myself back up. I won't let myself fall into that black abyss no mater how much it whispers my name. I have sent my UCAS application off and I have to just keep reminding myself exactly what I am fighting for.

Sorry for the long post but I had a few things to write down. Thanks for reading and join me in Surviving the Fight and Fighting to Survive!

The Anxiety

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

The Anxiety

Sorry I have not posted in a few days guys, I have a huge workload to do at the moment... college essays and all. My psychology one is done and out of the way and I have a social policy one due in tomorrow.... O.o 

It's hard trying to keep the balance between work like, home life, and personal time. Sometimes I write so much and work so hard that my brain just fries and you can practically see the smoke coming out of my ears like in those old cartoons.

So I have been trying to break it up with some leisure too, I bought a month subscription to Sketchbook Pro 7, it's really user friendly and I love it. 

Still got some tweeking to do but that is another one of my hobbies. :) Self taught and not the best but I enjoy it.

I'm meant to be in college today but I am not going to go because my anxiety is pretty bad and I know that even if I do force myself to go, information is going to stick into my brain because I will be so nervous.

So I am going to stay home and work on this assignment. I know what you're thinking, she's skiving to get this essay done that she has left until the last minute. I wish that was the case really, I wish I didn't have to feel so sick at the thought of leaving this place....

I had better hope today is a better day and carry on Surviving the Fight and Fighting to Survive!

Halloween Horrors

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

Halloween Horrors

Happy Halloween everybody! So... I'm not feeling great today. I'm going through a very messy break up with my baby sons dad. (Hence the theme of my cover video). I won't go into all the details but it is likely that the police will be at my door, along with him, this Sunday. Due to a very volatile upbringing I have the deep seeded, petrifying fear of confrontation and every time I even think about Sunday, my breathing becomes shallow, my hands shake and I get light headed.

If that's how I feel thinking about it, I might end up just puking all over him AND the cops on Sunday. How mortifying is that?! I've called my solicitors, I've called the police, and still I'm not sure what to expect!

But... my boyfriend realised that I'm not doing great today (probably from the subtle hint of tears in the morning) and decided that I needed cheering up, so he has bought me TWO gorgeous dresses, and if that wasn't enough already, I get some comfort food to chow down on too! 

So now, as I am writing this blog, I am munching on a Fox's Chocolate Viennese biscuit whilst wearing my new pretty dress. 

So when something in your life is getting you down, try and find some healthy people to be around, people that make you smile, that want to make your life that little bit easier in any way that they can. And if you don't have that,(if you are anything like me and can count your friends on one hand with room to spare) then treat yourself... give yourself something that helps you keeps going.

So once I am all filled up on biscuits, then I am going to have a with Radox Stress relief bubble bath, do my hair, put one of my gorgeous dresses on and go trick or treating for the first time with my son. I didn't get to go as a child because our Dad wouldn't allow it so I think I am more excited than he is.

And lets face it, all us parent out there end up sharing the sweeties anyway! :D

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! And remember, Survive the Fight and Fight to Survive!