Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive
Emotional Whiplash
Hey guys, things are still pretty rough here. I am figuratively suffering from recurrent emotional whiplash... It's getting pretty out of hand now, it's barely even 5 hours of a single emotion before I'm being thrown back the other way!!!
I got those two assignments done though! 4000 words in total. O.o I felt so happy that day! Out of my hands and into the tutors mail box. A sense of relief at it being done, a sense of pride for finishing them despite my low mood and hectic life, and a sense of accomplishment. I felt hopeful, that maybe, just maybe I can do this, despite the years of being told I would amount to nothing. That was a good day. A really good day.
Oh, and something else that bests that, it was my boyfriends 21st on the 5th, (a bonfire night baby boy) I was really really low that day, I ended up not going to college and moping in my bed and giving my baby boy lots of cuddles and not caring if it means I'm spoiling him, it made me feel better. And before my boyfriend came over I text him asking him to get me a snickers bar on the way over. Just a snickers. They are one of my fave chocolate bars.
He comes walking through the door and I jump out of bed (knocking my ashtray over) and run to the door because I just really wanted a hug. I had forgotten about the chocolate I just wanted a cuddle to make it all go away and feel safe just for a moment. And he is all "no, wait no no" and I didn't even notice but there he was, holding a bunch of flowers and equipped to the nines with treats!
There were three kinds of big Aero chocolate bars, the white, the plain and the mint. A big Galaxy Cookie Crumble, a BIG box of Ferrero Rochers (I've never had my own and the last time I even had one I was 13!), a pack of 20 of my preferred cigarettes even though he hates smoking, and only puts up with the fact that I do. Two kinder Bueno's, the white and the normal, a pack of pork scratching's, chocolate limes, and god, I can't even remember the rest. He ordered us a Chinese too. So I sat there with my munch, and my take-away, taking in the view of my gorgeous flowers and my gorgeous man.
Apparently, I have suffered enough in my life and it was time that I was taken care of. Even though it was his birthday, he just wanted to make me smile, even if it was only for five minutes, it's enough for him. He really made me feel like a princess. I really felt like number 1, the only one. Like I was finally being put first instead of running around doing what I can where I can for everybody else.
Sadly, even those things haven't kept my mood elevated for long. I'm running out of resources now for picking myself up. I even did one of my other sort of hobbies of a themed make over...
I have a new found love for 40's/50's fashion. I have always loved it but never ventured into applying it to myself. Little did I know how much it suited me. But even that didn't last because I did it in the night when I wasn't going out anywhere and I know it's sad but, part of borderline personality disorder means that you thrive off the approval of others, and there was nobody there to get approval off... :( So that ended up being a complete and utter waste of time other than a few nice photographs with my flowers....
I found out this week that my mom has a brain tumor. That's knocked me back quite a bit, I have been telling her for a while to push for a scan. I'm sure she will be okay but my caring nature wants to be there with her and help her get through all of this. I almost ended up in a Women's Refuge to get away from my sons father but couldn't get in so I am waiting to find out if the children services can help me.
So I'm still fighting, and I'm sure I'll figure out some more coping mechanisms and ways to try to pick myself back up. I won't let myself fall into that black abyss no mater how much it whispers my name. I have sent my UCAS application off and I have to just keep reminding myself exactly what I am fighting for.
Sorry for the long post but I had a few things to write down. Thanks for reading and join me in Surviving the Fight and Fighting to Survive!
I got those two assignments done though! 4000 words in total. O.o I felt so happy that day! Out of my hands and into the tutors mail box. A sense of relief at it being done, a sense of pride for finishing them despite my low mood and hectic life, and a sense of accomplishment. I felt hopeful, that maybe, just maybe I can do this, despite the years of being told I would amount to nothing. That was a good day. A really good day.
Oh, and something else that bests that, it was my boyfriends 21st on the 5th, (a bonfire night baby boy) I was really really low that day, I ended up not going to college and moping in my bed and giving my baby boy lots of cuddles and not caring if it means I'm spoiling him, it made me feel better. And before my boyfriend came over I text him asking him to get me a snickers bar on the way over. Just a snickers. They are one of my fave chocolate bars.
He comes walking through the door and I jump out of bed (knocking my ashtray over) and run to the door because I just really wanted a hug. I had forgotten about the chocolate I just wanted a cuddle to make it all go away and feel safe just for a moment. And he is all "no, wait no no" and I didn't even notice but there he was, holding a bunch of flowers and equipped to the nines with treats!
There were three kinds of big Aero chocolate bars, the white, the plain and the mint. A big Galaxy Cookie Crumble, a BIG box of Ferrero Rochers (I've never had my own and the last time I even had one I was 13!), a pack of 20 of my preferred cigarettes even though he hates smoking, and only puts up with the fact that I do. Two kinder Bueno's, the white and the normal, a pack of pork scratching's, chocolate limes, and god, I can't even remember the rest. He ordered us a Chinese too. So I sat there with my munch, and my take-away, taking in the view of my gorgeous flowers and my gorgeous man.
Apparently, I have suffered enough in my life and it was time that I was taken care of. Even though it was his birthday, he just wanted to make me smile, even if it was only for five minutes, it's enough for him. He really made me feel like a princess. I really felt like number 1, the only one. Like I was finally being put first instead of running around doing what I can where I can for everybody else.
Sadly, even those things haven't kept my mood elevated for long. I'm running out of resources now for picking myself up. I even did one of my other sort of hobbies of a themed make over...
I have a new found love for 40's/50's fashion. I have always loved it but never ventured into applying it to myself. Little did I know how much it suited me. But even that didn't last because I did it in the night when I wasn't going out anywhere and I know it's sad but, part of borderline personality disorder means that you thrive off the approval of others, and there was nobody there to get approval off... :( So that ended up being a complete and utter waste of time other than a few nice photographs with my flowers....
I found out this week that my mom has a brain tumor. That's knocked me back quite a bit, I have been telling her for a while to push for a scan. I'm sure she will be okay but my caring nature wants to be there with her and help her get through all of this. I almost ended up in a Women's Refuge to get away from my sons father but couldn't get in so I am waiting to find out if the children services can help me.
So I'm still fighting, and I'm sure I'll figure out some more coping mechanisms and ways to try to pick myself back up. I won't let myself fall into that black abyss no mater how much it whispers my name. I have sent my UCAS application off and I have to just keep reminding myself exactly what I am fighting for.
Sorry for the long post but I had a few things to write down. Thanks for reading and join me in Surviving the Fight and Fighting to Survive!
