A Few Things

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

A Few Things

Hey guys, I know that I have already done a blog today but there are a few little things...
Just a quick shout out to children in need! Please donate your money! These services are invaluable and I have seen some of the services the charity funds myself. I have helped my baby boy raise £28 this week which I am quite happy with considering the nursery's takings last year were £112. Proud mommy. :)

Click here to donate! Children in need Donation Page

Also, I got a lot of work done today and I am starting to realize that I am capable of finishing this course, and finishing uni. Because yes, I have my drawbacks, depression, a bit lazy sometimes, and also a huge procrastinator who wont get anything done until she has to when it comes to school work. But I also have positives that other people don't, my class mates have been telling me that I am a hard worker, I'm intelligent, I am a good writer ect. So I guess I balance the playing field a little bit.

Been to the doctors and it was pretty useless but I am going to have some blood tests and she gave me some numbers to organisations that I can call to get some extra talking time whilst I am waiting for my Dialectic Behaviour Therapy (DBT). I will be going back in two weeks so hopefully she will have made some headway.

And the last thing, my page views are slowly but steadily increasing. I know some of those views are by some people who wish to harass be but hey, you're helping my numbers so go right ahead. :D Google just automatically puts your comments in the spam box anyway, good old google. But today so far I have had 72 page views. That amazes me! 72 people reading my blog in a day! Maybe this really will get somewhere and I will one day fulfill one of my life goals, to make certain subjects less taboo, because it is life after all, we don't need to shy away from it. Plus, surprisingly, when you are open, you will be shocked at how many people are then able to feel open too. I have seen it myself.

So please, please, I urge you, if you are reading this, try to be a little more open about your problems, about your past. You get respect, you get the favour returned, and you get given so many opportunities to help people, because you need to know to help and I have found that it leads to a much more fulfilling life! Remember,  Survive the Fight and Fight to Survive!

Over the Top

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

Over the Top

Even more abuse from the ex's family. Yey! :) Screw it, I'm in a good mood anyway, despite more bad news about my internet... The date has been postponed! AGAIN! I am extreemly disappointed in Virgin, they came out yesterday to check the access points and said I would definitely have the internet on today! Well looks like I am screwed for my Social Work Presentation.... -.-

Anyway, I just got in from a good day at college, have had some really good giggles. I forgot my pass though! Costs £5 for a new one to get in! But I snuck in with my scarf and fluffy jumper so it was all good! Then Asif, the loveliest kindest person I think I have ever known lent me his pass when I went out to get lunch :) Would have been funny if they actually looked at the pass... they would have been like "um..... you don't look like an Asif Hussain to me...". Hey, I could have changed my name! :) I was chuckling in my head every time I went through the doors thinking about that.

So now I am in an unusually good mood! That's what usually happens after a low period. I go low, I go numb, then I go hyper and over the top. That's where I'm at now. I feel like singing at the top of my lungs, dancing around the house, cleaning like a nutter, getting some college work done and basically doing as much as I can in the shortest amount of time possible.

It's quite fun when I'm like this, I feel like it's some sort of cosmic justice, like the universe or god's or whatever you believe in's way of saying I'm sorry that you were depressed and tired and didn't get much of anything done, I'm going to give you what seems like a never ending supply of energy to make up for it. So you can catch up with the last weeks worth of f*ck all in two hours!

So yeah, not much to say other than a load of over excited gibberish, I might end up getting some of that presentation done on my own if I don't get preoccupied with wiping my skirting boards with anti-septic :)

So right now I really do have the energy to Survive the Fight and Fight to Survive! Hopefully it lasts for a while! :)

Emotional Whiplash

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

Emotional Whiplash

Hey guys, things are still pretty rough here. I am figuratively suffering from recurrent emotional whiplash... It's getting pretty out of hand now, it's barely even 5 hours of a single emotion before I'm being thrown back the other way!!!

I got those two assignments done though! 4000 words in total. O.o I felt so happy that day! Out of my hands and into the tutors mail box. A sense of relief at it being done, a sense of pride for finishing them despite my low mood and hectic life, and a sense of accomplishment. I felt hopeful, that maybe, just maybe I can do this, despite the years of being told I would amount to nothing. That was a good day. A really good day.

Oh, and something else that bests that, it was my boyfriends 21st on the 5th, (a bonfire night baby boy) I was really really low that day, I ended up not going to college and moping in my bed and giving my baby boy lots of cuddles and not caring if it means I'm spoiling him, it made me feel better. And before my boyfriend came over I text him asking him to get me a snickers bar on the way over. Just a snickers. They are one of my fave chocolate bars.

He comes walking through the door and I jump out of bed (knocking my ashtray over) and run to the door because I just really wanted a hug. I had forgotten about the chocolate I just wanted a cuddle to make it all go away and feel safe just for a moment. And he is all "no, wait no no" and I didn't even notice but there he was, holding a bunch of flowers and equipped to the nines with treats!

There were three kinds of big Aero chocolate bars, the white, the plain and the mint. A big Galaxy Cookie Crumble, a BIG box of Ferrero Rochers (I've never had my own and the last time I even had one I was 13!), a pack of 20 of my preferred cigarettes even though he hates smoking, and only puts up with the fact that I do. Two kinder Bueno's, the white and the normal, a pack of pork scratching's, chocolate limes, and god, I can't even remember the rest. He ordered us a Chinese too. So I sat there with my munch, and my take-away, taking in the view of my gorgeous flowers and my gorgeous man.

Apparently, I have suffered enough in my life and it was time that I was taken care of. Even though it was his birthday, he just wanted to make me smile, even if it was only for five minutes, it's enough for him. He really made me feel like a princess. I really felt like number 1, the only one. Like I was finally being put first instead of running around doing what I can where I can for everybody else.

Sadly, even those things haven't kept my mood elevated for long. I'm running out of resources now for picking myself up. I even did one of my other sort of hobbies of a themed make over...

I have a new found love for 40's/50's fashion. I have always loved it but never ventured into applying it to myself. Little did I know how much it suited me. But even that didn't last because I did it in the night when I wasn't going out anywhere and I know it's sad but, part of borderline personality disorder means that you thrive off the approval of others, and there was nobody there to get approval off... :( So that ended up being a complete and utter waste of time other than a few nice photographs with my flowers.... 

I found out this week that my mom has a brain tumor. That's knocked me back quite a bit, I have been telling her for a while to push for a scan. I'm sure she will be okay but my caring nature wants to be there with her and help her get through all of this. I almost ended up in a Women's Refuge to get away from my sons father but couldn't get in so I am waiting to find out if the children services can help me.

So I'm still fighting, and I'm sure I'll figure out some more coping mechanisms and ways to try to pick myself back up. I won't let myself fall into that black abyss no mater how much it whispers my name. I have sent my UCAS application off and I have to just keep reminding myself exactly what I am fighting for.

Sorry for the long post but I had a few things to write down. Thanks for reading and join me in Surviving the Fight and Fighting to Survive!

The Anxiety

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

The Anxiety

Sorry I have not posted in a few days guys, I have a huge workload to do at the moment... college essays and all. My psychology one is done and out of the way and I have a social policy one due in tomorrow.... O.o 

It's hard trying to keep the balance between work like, home life, and personal time. Sometimes I write so much and work so hard that my brain just fries and you can practically see the smoke coming out of my ears like in those old cartoons.

So I have been trying to break it up with some leisure too, I bought a month subscription to Sketchbook Pro 7, it's really user friendly and I love it. 

Still got some tweeking to do but that is another one of my hobbies. :) Self taught and not the best but I enjoy it.

I'm meant to be in college today but I am not going to go because my anxiety is pretty bad and I know that even if I do force myself to go, information is going to stick into my brain because I will be so nervous.

So I am going to stay home and work on this assignment. I know what you're thinking, she's skiving to get this essay done that she has left until the last minute. I wish that was the case really, I wish I didn't have to feel so sick at the thought of leaving this place....

I had better hope today is a better day and carry on Surviving the Fight and Fighting to Survive!

The Hollow Times

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

The Hollow Times

Sometimes I get the feeling like I'm just  worn a little too thin. I haven't even started two of my college assignments and they are due next week! I should be spending today doing them really but I haven't seen my family in weeks and I am going to take me and my son to see them. With what is likely to be happening tomorrow, I doubt I would be able to concentrate anyway so it will be a good way to let my hair down and try to forget about it for a little while.

I had a fun night last night, I got some henna done at the children's Halloween party and went trick or treating for the first time with my son. 

I wore the one of my new dresses and my corset. It felt good to get up and get ready after slobbing it this week in my PJ's. Feeling more like a doped up sloth that the Duracell bunny I wish I could be right now. 

You know sometimes, when you are feeling crappy and you pray every night that tomorrow might just be manic enough to get everything done? Bouncing around the house doing five things at once because you feel like a bad ass? Seems like my prayers aren't being heard at the moment.

Yesterday did help, really it did, but then when I got home and stopped, just long enough for the dark thoughts to start creeping to the front of my mind again, I just became this hollow entity, truly worthy of a Halloween Horror. Seriously, I could have stood there like that in the street, all hollow eyed and day dreamy, and scared the bejeebies out of some people.

I hope that I can get out of this rut soon. It gets tiring fighting every single day just to be able to do the little things. People don't see the war raging inside my head every waking second. The only solace I get is sleep and sometimes even that is snatched away from me by the lurking insomnia.

So I'm in it with you guys, all of you out there that are suffering, finding it almost impossible to move every day and trust me, if it wasn't for my commitments I would probably stay in this bed for a week, slowly disappearing under empty junk food wrappers, watching crappy day time telly until my I am nothing more than a waking zombie.

But I fight, and I strain to keep going, trying to remember that one of these days, I WILL turn into the Duracell bunny, so come on guys, Survive the Fight and Fight to Survive!