Curse of the Detainee

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

Curse of the Detainee

Hi again, I wrote a poem today that I thought you guys might like to read. I think that many of you might associate with it:

Curse of the Detainee

When everything is going right in your life

 But there's a pain that you just can't hide

A hurt that is waiting just behind

Those closed off deep blue eyes

When your dreams are  finally coming true

And there are people who are there for you

But still you can't help but feel alone

Like there is still nowhere to call home

You tell yourself you should be proud

You have succeeded in the things you've vowed

You've overcome the unspeakable

And you've reached what you have been told unreachable

You have held on to your dreams

You have allowed yourself to believe

You picked yourself up when all was lost

Carried on no matter the cost

You've lost the most precious thing you have

And fought to get it back

When most would give up all hope

But still you found a way to cope

But sometimes when it's quiet and black

You start to see the things you lack

The things that you will never be 

The things that you can't guarantee

The voices that won't give you peace

The hurt that just wont cease

And sometimes you feel like giving in

and letting your horrors win

You don't want to stand up tall

Just to be destined to fall

You know that things will just go wrong

Just like they have all along

You wonder if you will ever be free

From the curse of the detainee

Locked inside with the sentence unnamed

Nothing but lonely and ashamed

But still you fight for something more

To change the lives of those you adore

Because there must be a reason for you to exist

Something that you must have missed

So go on fighting to survive

Because again you will revive

You will not forever be

Controlled by the curse of the detainee

Jozilea Faulkner

Be the Change that you want to see

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

Be the change that you want to see

Hi guys, I know it has been a while since I wrote on here but I had to get away and clear my head, plus avoid some people until the dust had settled. Since separating from my long term partner, I have been trying to re-discover myself, try to seriously make something out of my hobbies/talents. 


One part of that was modeling. I started messaging photographers, and replying to casting calls. I hadn't met any photographers that I particularly trusted when I came across Rule the Runway UK . I applied, but didn't expect it to go far because I am only 5 foot 4 inches tall and have no experience. I did it anyway, because it's my dream and also because it is a charity event in aid of raising mental health awareness and raising money for Birmingham Mind.

My photo from the audition. 

But I got a casting call! So I went, nervous and anxious as hell, but I had the support of my best friend who also applied after I told her about it. So I walked the walk, answered their questions and came away feeling pretty positive and very excited.

The voting photo.

Then I got through! After fidgeting the entire of the following day, picking up my phone, trying to distract myself hopelessly, they called to tell me the good news. Out of hundreds that applied, I was one of the 20 girls that they wanted in the show! ME! Just little old me. I did it! I couldn't believe it.

We had our photo shoot for the voting stage of the competition on sunday. Having hair, and make-up done, it was manic and hectic and at times not going to plan and there was a lot of waiting to be behind the camera for all of about 3 minutes but I absolutely loved every moment! Whilst people were getting agitated and frustrated, I reveled in it. It all felt so surreal. Like I was dreaming, I swear I actually pinched myself a couple of times.

The photo's went up online for voting to start yesterday and my eyes popped out of my head and my mouth hung open when I realised that they used MY face for the cover! ME! I can't believe it I really can't. And they have used my photo for their website.

It just goes to show, that even if you don't think you are beautiful, somebody else will. Whether it's your mom, your boyfriend, your kids, or a complete stranger. You are beautiful to somebody, so just be yourself, because if you try to change to make others happy, then you will always be changing. You will never make everybody happy.

I'm trying to be the change I want to be. Allow myself to do the things I have always been told I couldn't do or didn't believe I could achieve. I want to be able to get to a place where I am happy with who I am. So I'm surviving the fight and fighting to survive. Just like the rest of you. x

Click HERE if you wish to vote for me. You can vote once per day, per IP address. :)

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

What is this blog going to be about?

You know those people who tell you about their lives and you think "Wow, either they are a compulsive liar, or they have had one hell of a s**t life."? Well, I'm one of those very people.

Sometimes I think that I was born as some cruel experiment. Other times I wonder if I am meant to be alive for some unknown reason that I am yet to fulfil. Even when I was born, at ten weeks early, I was lucky to survive. The doctors said either my Mom or I were going to be lost and my Dad had to make the decision on who to doctors were going to keep alive. We never found out who he chose, I guess he would be a bad guy either way. Either letting his daughter or the Mother of four children die.

That's me as a baby, and that was after I was aloud home. Slowly, I will tell you all of the ups and downs of my life, or what I can remember of it anyway.

And this is me now, as flawed as the next person, but fighting every day. Most of those fights are on the inside. Inside that little head of mine, the head which I'm sure you will all start to see into.

I don't expect to get 1,000,000 readers, I don't even expect to get 20, but if even one person reads my blogs and starts to feel less lonely in this world, then I will be a happy blogger. For I just want people to better understand those troubled souls out there and I want other people like me; people who have suffered endlessly at other peoples hands to realise that they are survivors. 

I have been recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and for the many of you that don't know what this means, then please visit mind(www.mind.org) and just read a little bit. It's easy to understand. It's an erratic alteration of moods essentially but when you look into it, there are many in built characteristics and reactions to social situations that come with it.

Another few things to know about me are that I am a hobbyist, an artist, a singer, a reader, an ex- self harmer,(appart from a few falls). I suffer with body image, confidence, anxiety, depression, mania, insomnia, and much much more. On the outside I seem outgoing and extroverted,so many people don't realise the suffering that goes on inside that little head of mine. 

So that is the reason for this blog, to help people, to bring recognition, as a stress relief, as one of my many hobbies, to make people realise that what is on the outside, isn't necessarily on the inside. I love to write but I'm not sure what to expect out of this, what sort of response to prepare myself for. I just want people like me to read this, those others that Survive the Fight, and Fight to Survive.