Curse of the Detainee

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

Curse of the Detainee

Hi again, I wrote a poem today that I thought you guys might like to read. I think that many of you might associate with it:

Curse of the Detainee

When everything is going right in your life

 But there's a pain that you just can't hide

A hurt that is waiting just behind

Those closed off deep blue eyes

When your dreams are  finally coming true

And there are people who are there for you

But still you can't help but feel alone

Like there is still nowhere to call home

You tell yourself you should be proud

You have succeeded in the things you've vowed

You've overcome the unspeakable

And you've reached what you have been told unreachable

You have held on to your dreams

You have allowed yourself to believe

You picked yourself up when all was lost

Carried on no matter the cost

You've lost the most precious thing you have

And fought to get it back

When most would give up all hope

But still you found a way to cope

But sometimes when it's quiet and black

You start to see the things you lack

The things that you will never be 

The things that you can't guarantee

The voices that won't give you peace

The hurt that just wont cease

And sometimes you feel like giving in

and letting your horrors win

You don't want to stand up tall

Just to be destined to fall

You know that things will just go wrong

Just like they have all along

You wonder if you will ever be free

From the curse of the detainee

Locked inside with the sentence unnamed

Nothing but lonely and ashamed

But still you fight for something more

To change the lives of those you adore

Because there must be a reason for you to exist

Something that you must have missed

So go on fighting to survive

Because again you will revive

You will not forever be

Controlled by the curse of the detainee

Jozilea Faulkner

Be the Change that you want to see

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

Be the change that you want to see

Hi guys, I know it has been a while since I wrote on here but I had to get away and clear my head, plus avoid some people until the dust had settled. Since separating from my long term partner, I have been trying to re-discover myself, try to seriously make something out of my hobbies/talents. 


One part of that was modeling. I started messaging photographers, and replying to casting calls. I hadn't met any photographers that I particularly trusted when I came across Rule the Runway UK . I applied, but didn't expect it to go far because I am only 5 foot 4 inches tall and have no experience. I did it anyway, because it's my dream and also because it is a charity event in aid of raising mental health awareness and raising money for Birmingham Mind.

My photo from the audition. 

But I got a casting call! So I went, nervous and anxious as hell, but I had the support of my best friend who also applied after I told her about it. So I walked the walk, answered their questions and came away feeling pretty positive and very excited.

The voting photo.

Then I got through! After fidgeting the entire of the following day, picking up my phone, trying to distract myself hopelessly, they called to tell me the good news. Out of hundreds that applied, I was one of the 20 girls that they wanted in the show! ME! Just little old me. I did it! I couldn't believe it.

We had our photo shoot for the voting stage of the competition on sunday. Having hair, and make-up done, it was manic and hectic and at times not going to plan and there was a lot of waiting to be behind the camera for all of about 3 minutes but I absolutely loved every moment! Whilst people were getting agitated and frustrated, I reveled in it. It all felt so surreal. Like I was dreaming, I swear I actually pinched myself a couple of times.

The photo's went up online for voting to start yesterday and my eyes popped out of my head and my mouth hung open when I realised that they used MY face for the cover! ME! I can't believe it I really can't. And they have used my photo for their website.

It just goes to show, that even if you don't think you are beautiful, somebody else will. Whether it's your mom, your boyfriend, your kids, or a complete stranger. You are beautiful to somebody, so just be yourself, because if you try to change to make others happy, then you will always be changing. You will never make everybody happy.

I'm trying to be the change I want to be. Allow myself to do the things I have always been told I couldn't do or didn't believe I could achieve. I want to be able to get to a place where I am happy with who I am. So I'm surviving the fight and fighting to survive. Just like the rest of you. x

Click HERE if you wish to vote for me. You can vote once per day, per IP address. :)

Fighting your Fears and Anxieties

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

Fighting your Fears and Anxieties

I am writing this blog because of something that came up in psychology class. Please be patient with me in this blog because it starts out with something that does seem quite technical and possibly a bit boring but it does go on to tell you about how I cope with my fears and anxieties and how our conditions have made us stronger than the average person who doesn't suffer the way we do.

We were speaking about operant conditioning in psychology class and how it deepens peoples fears and anxieties. Operant Conditioning suggests that the consequences of our actions affect the likelihood of those actions being repeated. If it makes you feel good, or it gives a good outcome, you are likely to repeat the action when in a similar situation. If you feel bad after doing something, you are unlikely to repeat it.

Where this comes into fears and anxieties is that under the this approach, operant conditioning deepens our fears by gaining a positive feeling when the fear is avoided, therefore you avoid it even more. So, say you have a fear of lifts for example. You fear that if you get into the lift then that lift might break and you will be stuck for hours with no food or water, or it may fall and cause a pretty gory death. (Sorry to those of you who have these fears for reminding you in a rather graphic way.) Or it could be a fear of lifts based on claustrophobia or germaphobia.

So you choose to take the stairs, or escalators to the next or lower floor. This makes you feel happy, because you know that you aren't going to suffer any of those awful situations on the stairs or escalator. You feel safe, and calm and relieved that you haven't had to experience the unpleasant response of anxiety.

Under this psychological approach this encourages us to avoid fearful situations more and more each time that we  have avoided them and get a positive consequence. Whilst I agree that this happens, and that fears are reinforced by operant conditioning, it doesn't really apply to me. Either because I am backwards or just because I break the mould. I don't know.

When I avoid things that fear me, I feel ashamed and I feel weak. I feel like I have let myself down and I feel like a coward. I feel like I am letting my fear, my mental health and my anxiety win in a way. So whilst my response to these feelings is still a variation of operant conditioning, I don't get the normal response to avoidance of fears. I believe this may have something to do with my borderline personality disorder. The distorted self image, and putting myself down all of the time.

So I face my fears, I put myself into situations that I don't particularly want to be in. Even simple every day things like getting on the bus. I suffer the anxiety and I feel the pounding heart, sweaty shaking hands and nausea. Why? Because once I have, I feel so proud of myself, like I have beaten my demons. It makes me grow as a person, makes me stronger, wiser and much more able to cope with every day life. It gives me the ability to hold my head high because I didn't run away when things got tough. It makes me able to tell myself that I CAN instead of listening to the people that have told me that I can't.

As mental health sufferers, we fight every day, fight against ourselves, our conditions, our fears. We have this internal struggle, this internal battle, through every decision and every encounter. Although this makes our life much more difficult, it enables us to face things that other people wouldn't. There is a reason that people say to you “You're stronger than you realise” or “I don't know how you cope with that”. The terrible experiences that have made us this way are what have made us able to cope with much more than others.

Although you may feel like you can't cope, or that you are weak and useless, you're not. Your condition doesn't show how weak you are, it shows that you have had to be strong for too long. And that means that although you may fall, you may have days where you don't go out and you do avoid your fears, your experiences, your condition is what enables you to get back up when others would stay down. It's what makes you able to keep on surviving the fight and fighting to survive.

A Few Things

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

A Few Things

Hey guys, I know that I have already done a blog today but there are a few little things...
Just a quick shout out to children in need! Please donate your money! These services are invaluable and I have seen some of the services the charity funds myself. I have helped my baby boy raise £28 this week which I am quite happy with considering the nursery's takings last year were £112. Proud mommy. :)

Click here to donate! Children in need Donation Page

Also, I got a lot of work done today and I am starting to realize that I am capable of finishing this course, and finishing uni. Because yes, I have my drawbacks, depression, a bit lazy sometimes, and also a huge procrastinator who wont get anything done until she has to when it comes to school work. But I also have positives that other people don't, my class mates have been telling me that I am a hard worker, I'm intelligent, I am a good writer ect. So I guess I balance the playing field a little bit.

Been to the doctors and it was pretty useless but I am going to have some blood tests and she gave me some numbers to organisations that I can call to get some extra talking time whilst I am waiting for my Dialectic Behaviour Therapy (DBT). I will be going back in two weeks so hopefully she will have made some headway.

And the last thing, my page views are slowly but steadily increasing. I know some of those views are by some people who wish to harass be but hey, you're helping my numbers so go right ahead. :D Google just automatically puts your comments in the spam box anyway, good old google. But today so far I have had 72 page views. That amazes me! 72 people reading my blog in a day! Maybe this really will get somewhere and I will one day fulfill one of my life goals, to make certain subjects less taboo, because it is life after all, we don't need to shy away from it. Plus, surprisingly, when you are open, you will be shocked at how many people are then able to feel open too. I have seen it myself.

So please, please, I urge you, if you are reading this, try to be a little more open about your problems, about your past. You get respect, you get the favour returned, and you get given so many opportunities to help people, because you need to know to help and I have found that it leads to a much more fulfilling life! Remember,  Survive the Fight and Fight to Survive!

Teary Eyed

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

Teary Eyed

Well, slowly but surely everything on my to-do-list is getting done. Had to go to hospital with my little man last night but he is okay, it wasn't an emergency but I was tired of the doctors palming us off. He had had this cough for a couple of weeks, it got better but never fully went. The stupid walk in center said it was just a cold. Not sure I am going to trust them again. -.- Oh well, we are home now, he has been treated and we have medicine that will actually make a difference.

I have the doctors and the CPN today, the CPN to talk about my tablets and the doctors for a mental health review. I don't know what I am going to talk about with the doctor but I have a few things to talk to the CPN about. My new medication for anxiety, yes they are helping but they are also having undesired side effects. One is a bit personal and I won't go into that but I am getting so weepy. Not because anything in particular is making me teary, just getting spontaneously teary. I get that familiar lump in the back of my throat and I can't talk with out my eyes watering up and it is very embarrassing.

I tell you, I wasn't even this teary eyed in pregnancy! Apart from once, when I made s'mores and just as I went to put it in the oven the base of the cake tin fell through and onto the floor. Leaving a mound of my hard work splattered across the kitchen laminate.... I laughed, and then I started crying because I had always wanted to make them and also I was pregnant and wanted those darn sugar filled treats! I still look back and laugh at myself over that one, although I have not yet since made another attempt at s'mores.

But that incident, I can see why I got upset, why I wanted to cry, but I am getting that feeling at random points in the day. Can't find my keys? Feel like crying. Somebody says something nice to me? Feel like bloody crying. Forgot my college pass? Feel like f*ing crying!!! It's not even because I am upset or touched, I just want to cry all the time. I'm actually quite happy. So I'm sure it is this new medication because I sure as hell ain't pregnant. :D

So I don't think I will be on them any more after today, with the other side affects on top. Mirtazapine it is called. Just finished the normal trial of 2 weeks. So far, they are definitely not for me, I feel like a walking puddle of hormones! It's embarrassing but I can also see the humor in it thankfully.

Speak to you all soon guys, remember  Survive the Fight and Fight to Survive!

Over the Top

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

Over the Top

Even more abuse from the ex's family. Yey! :) Screw it, I'm in a good mood anyway, despite more bad news about my internet... The date has been postponed! AGAIN! I am extreemly disappointed in Virgin, they came out yesterday to check the access points and said I would definitely have the internet on today! Well looks like I am screwed for my Social Work Presentation.... -.-

Anyway, I just got in from a good day at college, have had some really good giggles. I forgot my pass though! Costs £5 for a new one to get in! But I snuck in with my scarf and fluffy jumper so it was all good! Then Asif, the loveliest kindest person I think I have ever known lent me his pass when I went out to get lunch :) Would have been funny if they actually looked at the pass... they would have been like "um..... you don't look like an Asif Hussain to me...". Hey, I could have changed my name! :) I was chuckling in my head every time I went through the doors thinking about that.

So now I am in an unusually good mood! That's what usually happens after a low period. I go low, I go numb, then I go hyper and over the top. That's where I'm at now. I feel like singing at the top of my lungs, dancing around the house, cleaning like a nutter, getting some college work done and basically doing as much as I can in the shortest amount of time possible.

It's quite fun when I'm like this, I feel like it's some sort of cosmic justice, like the universe or god's or whatever you believe in's way of saying I'm sorry that you were depressed and tired and didn't get much of anything done, I'm going to give you what seems like a never ending supply of energy to make up for it. So you can catch up with the last weeks worth of f*ck all in two hours!

So yeah, not much to say other than a load of over excited gibberish, I might end up getting some of that presentation done on my own if I don't get preoccupied with wiping my skirting boards with anti-septic :)

So right now I really do have the energy to Survive the Fight and Fight to Survive! Hopefully it lasts for a while! :)

Getting Stronger

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

Getting Stronger

Hey guys, still got a boat load of stuff going on in my life and I am slowly working through that to do list. :) Just to say before I carry on, my ex is trying to ruin every aspect of my life which includes this blog and sharing it with snarky comments. I wont let him ruin it, because I enjoy doing this, it helps me to collect all of my thoughts and know that there are people out there who feel the same way.

Had a really good one to one with my tutor in College yesterday. There has been some drama going down at college to do with a group assignment and as much as I have tried to stay out of it, because I was involved in the start my name obviously came up... -.- The tutors understood my side and we are all adults so apologies have been given, much to my gratification and civilities will be held from here on out. 

But after all of that upheaval was sorted, we had a good chat about the dramas going on outside of the college walls. She gave some really good advice and really wants to help me. She has encouraged me so much through all of this (my first solicitors meeting was on the first day of college) and has really pushed me to be all that I can be.

The social services came around today because Cafcass are involved ready for what is hopefully going to be the last court hearing. It was unannounced which is always uncomfortable, especially considering me and my son had only just woken from a nap! She didn't seem to have any concerns and said she would just wrap the last visit and this visit into one assessment because the last one was only a few weeks ago so it was pretty painless really.

She spoke to me about the women's refuge because my health visitor told them about it and they are going to help me however they can. She has advised me on how to get my ex out of my life and she also asked whether it may be best to just fight for no contact between my son and his father. I did disagree with her there, because although he is absolutely vile to me, I believe in keeping both parents in a child's life. I wont make my son grow up with out a father simply because of the issues between us.

She confirmed many things about what my ex has been threatening which was good. She sat and she listened patiently and this is why I am glad that I am not one of these people that see a social worker as a person to be feared. I have worked with them a lot in my life and they have helped me through some hard times. Plus I am doing a social work access course. I know what they do and I know the laws and regulations of their job.

So no matter how much my ex thinks he is affecting my life, he really isn't. I'm carrying on and I feel myself getting stronger every day. I may trip and I may fall but somebody on my college course said something to me yesterday which I know I will always remember; "If somebody is trying to bring you down, it is because you are higher than them". I know I am strong enough to get through this mess, I have been through much bigger messes and absolute disasters in my life. This is just another one under my belt.

I have started to regain some of that confidence that was starting to slip between my fingers again. I'm remembering who I am, what I have been through and how far I know that I can go. I really couldn't have done it if it wasn't for some people, of which I will name a few even if they aren't reading, Asif, Adam, Jess, Josh, Marisha, Steph, Jaquie, Gemma, Solomon, Harvey, Toni. Thank you so much guys, your reassurance, your compliments, you have all been like one big collective rock for me. Said things that are so sweet I will always remember them.

So thanks to you guys, you have helped me to Survive the Fight and Fight to Survive!