Halloween Horrors

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

Halloween Horrors

Happy Halloween everybody! So... I'm not feeling great today. I'm going through a very messy break up with my baby sons dad. (Hence the theme of my cover video). I won't go into all the details but it is likely that the police will be at my door, along with him, this Sunday. Due to a very volatile upbringing I have the deep seeded, petrifying fear of confrontation and every time I even think about Sunday, my breathing becomes shallow, my hands shake and I get light headed.

If that's how I feel thinking about it, I might end up just puking all over him AND the cops on Sunday. How mortifying is that?! I've called my solicitors, I've called the police, and still I'm not sure what to expect!

But... my boyfriend realised that I'm not doing great today (probably from the subtle hint of tears in the morning) and decided that I needed cheering up, so he has bought me TWO gorgeous dresses, and if that wasn't enough already, I get some comfort food to chow down on too! 

So now, as I am writing this blog, I am munching on a Fox's Chocolate Viennese biscuit whilst wearing my new pretty dress. 

So when something in your life is getting you down, try and find some healthy people to be around, people that make you smile, that want to make your life that little bit easier in any way that they can. And if you don't have that,(if you are anything like me and can count your friends on one hand with room to spare) then treat yourself... give yourself something that helps you keeps going.

So once I am all filled up on biscuits, then I am going to have a with Radox Stress relief bubble bath, do my hair, put one of my gorgeous dresses on and go trick or treating for the first time with my son. I didn't get to go as a child because our Dad wouldn't allow it so I think I am more excited than he is.

And lets face it, all us parent out there end up sharing the sweeties anyway! :D

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! And remember, Survive the Fight and Fight to Survive!

One of my many hobbies

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

One of my many hobbies

Hey guys, so I have taken a very brave step today; I have uploaded me singing a cover of Adele make you feel my love to YouTube and then posted it on Facebook so that all of my friends and family can see it. This was very difficult for me because not only am I going to be judged by the general public but people I know. What if somebody I know doesn't like it and makes it painfully clear? That would be much worse than some stranger that I could pass off as another internet troll.

I'm by far not a confident person, but I am trying to push myself more and more. As a BPD sufferer with a very unstable self-image, it's not easy to do something like this. Only, a part of me is just hoping for approval and praise. I'm just scared at how I will handle criticism. Also, I know that if I don't get views, or comments, then I will take it that everybody hates it.

That is my video, if you for some reason like it, then please, for the sake of my sanity, let me know. And if you want to share it, no matter how much the idea of 100's of people hearing me sing petrifies me, go ahead and share it. 

So that is one of my hobbies, and I guess an insight to some of my insecurities. If you have any song requests or anything then feel free to let me know and I will look into covering it for you. Thanks for reading! And remember, Survive the Fight and Fight to Survive! :)

Surviving the Fight or Fighting to Survive

What is this blog going to be about?

You know those people who tell you about their lives and you think "Wow, either they are a compulsive liar, or they have had one hell of a s**t life."? Well, I'm one of those very people.

Sometimes I think that I was born as some cruel experiment. Other times I wonder if I am meant to be alive for some unknown reason that I am yet to fulfil. Even when I was born, at ten weeks early, I was lucky to survive. The doctors said either my Mom or I were going to be lost and my Dad had to make the decision on who to doctors were going to keep alive. We never found out who he chose, I guess he would be a bad guy either way. Either letting his daughter or the Mother of four children die.

That's me as a baby, and that was after I was aloud home. Slowly, I will tell you all of the ups and downs of my life, or what I can remember of it anyway.

And this is me now, as flawed as the next person, but fighting every day. Most of those fights are on the inside. Inside that little head of mine, the head which I'm sure you will all start to see into.

I don't expect to get 1,000,000 readers, I don't even expect to get 20, but if even one person reads my blogs and starts to feel less lonely in this world, then I will be a happy blogger. For I just want people to better understand those troubled souls out there and I want other people like me; people who have suffered endlessly at other peoples hands to realise that they are survivors. 

I have been recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and for the many of you that don't know what this means, then please visit mind(www.mind.org) and just read a little bit. It's easy to understand. It's an erratic alteration of moods essentially but when you look into it, there are many in built characteristics and reactions to social situations that come with it.

Another few things to know about me are that I am a hobbyist, an artist, a singer, a reader, an ex- self harmer,(appart from a few falls). I suffer with body image, confidence, anxiety, depression, mania, insomnia, and much much more. On the outside I seem outgoing and extroverted,so many people don't realise the suffering that goes on inside that little head of mine. 

So that is the reason for this blog, to help people, to bring recognition, as a stress relief, as one of my many hobbies, to make people realise that what is on the outside, isn't necessarily on the inside. I love to write but I'm not sure what to expect out of this, what sort of response to prepare myself for. I just want people like me to read this, those others that Survive the Fight, and Fight to Survive.